concrete on the lawn.

24 January 2010 @ 02:48 pm

I don't get it. Why am I so obsessed with chasing after things I know I'll never have? It's a sick, sick cycle and I really see no end to this. This morning is my wake up call and as sad as it is to admit, I don't think I will get any better from this or learn anything. I'm doomed to repeat my mistakes over and over again.

But then again, I think it's better to feel something (even if it is heart break) than nothing at all. I've been walking around like a zombie these past few months, and it's been working pretty well. But I just wanted to feel something again ... anything. And at this moment, heart break is probably the cheesiest, but simplest word to describe it.

I want to be cold. I need to be cold. But as hard as I try .. that's just not who I am. Fuck :/

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16 September 2009 @ 02:21 am

(no subject)

I cried today. It felt good. I haven't cried this well since the beginning of summer.

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13 September 2009 @ 01:56 pm

whatwhat?

“ You want to know what happiness is? It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile and kiss their face gently before turning back around and somehow, an involuntary grin forms on your face. Just before you drift off to sleep, you feel an arm wrap around your waist and you know it doesn’t get any better than this."

BULLLLLLSHHHHHHHIII-
hah.

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13 August 2009 @ 01:31 am

again and again.

Okay, I should stop doing that thing where I drink a little bit too much then run my mouth and meet cute guys and find out I probably said/did things I probably shouldn't have said/done.

Oh, and said cute guys should not offer then give you their number and then not respond to your calls/texts.
OH GOD I'M SO DESPERATE AND LONELY.
And fuck his name. Why does it have to be John?

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16 July 2009 @ 02:02 am

untangeable goals.

1) Stop thinking, and just do.
2) Learn how to be happy, alone.
3) Take every day one moment at a time.
4) Appreciate all the little things in life again.
5) Stop missing him.

Fuck you time, move faster.

Current Music: Stars

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16 June 2009 @ 01:49 am

i want more than anything to be happy.

"Some people may tell you at some point that “Love is the most powerful thing in the world”. This is bullshit. Acceptance of its “ultimate” power is why people stay with lovers who hit them, cheat on them and hurt them. Never forget that YOU are more powerful than love. You have the power to use love, to change love, to make love in a way that suits you. Resignation to its swift and steady current only increases the chances you will be dashed, bloody and broken, on the rocks over the next inevitable waterfall.
I’m not saying don’t love. Shit, love fully and deeply, but never ignorantly. If someone does not, cannot, love you fully then cut that person loose. The world is a cacophony of breaking hearts and we ALL deserve to be happy.
Fuck that. I. Me. I deserve to be happy."

- - illinois airship

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15 June 2009 @ 03:19 am

L vs. I

Infatuation is instant desire,
one set of glands calling to another.

Love is friendship that has caught fire.
It takes root and grows,
one day at a time.

Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity.
You are excited and eager,but not genuinely happy.
There are nagging doubts,unanswered questions,
little bits pieces about your beloved
that you would just as soon examine too closely.
It might spoil the dream.

Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection.
It is real.It gives you strength and grows beyond you,to bolster your beloved.
You are warmed by his presence,even when he is away.
Miles do not separate you. You want him near.But near or far,
you know he is yours and you can wait.

Infatuation says,"We must get married right away.
I can't risk losing him."

Love says, "Be patient.He is yours. Plan your future with confidence."

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement.Whenever you are in one another's company you are hoping it will end in intimacy.

Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

Infatuation lacks confidence. When he's away, you wonder if he's cheating.
Sometimes you check.

Love means trust. You are calm, secure, and unthreatened. He feels your trust and it makes him even more trustworthy.

Infatuation might lead you to do things you'll regret later,but love never will.

Love lifts you up.It makes you look up.It makes you think up.It makes you a better person than you were before.

Current Mood:

contemplative

Current Music: dashboard confessional

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02 June 2009 @ 03:19 am

indecisions and time.

time is my worst enemy right now, yet i think it will become my best friend when the time is right..

my father was right, love messes with your mind. and i thought i wanted it more than anything, but not like this ..
it's messing everything up. my goals, my mental state and physical health is at risk. GAH :/

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28 March 2009 @ 03:19 am

(no subject)

i foster this hurt and hold it in like it doesn't matter to me, but in reality, it tears me apart.
FUCK ME.
I WILL ALWAYS GET THE SHORT END OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.

THE END.

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26 March 2009 @ 03:20 am

achy breaky

i'm having that feeling again. that achy, uncertain feeling that makes me all senseless and stupid.
i can't help but think it's a cause of the weakness that's creeping inside of me. and no matter how hard i try it'll always be there.

maybe i should just give in to these feelings. it's like giving in to fate, right? and boy is it hard to fight against fate.

i've tried the whole, "i'll be strong and independent" bullshit and make believe that it actually works. but ignoring the problem does not mean it'll go away.

i'll always have this problem, and it's okay to laugh at it sometimes, but most of the time it just stings.

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